sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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