i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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