Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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