it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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