Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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