I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
