it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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