then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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