It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize