U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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