I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
