dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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