i think my mom watched the whole time
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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