you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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