my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
