We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
