I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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