a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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