When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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