Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
