did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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