Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
