You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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