he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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