just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
