He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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