sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
