Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
