Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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