You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
