Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
