handjob tips. give me some.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
