We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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