I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
