I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
