so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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