you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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