If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
