i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
