Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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