If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
