I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
