Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
