Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
