how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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