my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
