Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
