Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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