THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
