It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
