So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
