two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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