Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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