We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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