dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize