I cannot find my penis.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
