You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
