dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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