I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
