I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
